I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
