I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
