Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
