For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize