I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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