3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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