I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
did you just send me my own nude
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
