well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize