Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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