i need an iv and a liver transplant
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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