dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
