You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
