I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
