Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
third nipple confirmed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
