thus making me awesome and them whores
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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