You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
