We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
