Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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