Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
