I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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