Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
