Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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