All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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