I wish my penis had an off switch
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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