i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
