So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
