We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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