Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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