oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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