does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
