He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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