I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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