I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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