And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
