who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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