I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
sex in a hospital.. check
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
