Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
