is your mom at the bar?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
