I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
