He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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