I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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