Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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