I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
