just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Sober January is a disaster.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
