i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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