Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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