Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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