Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
