good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
