Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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