My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize