You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
