My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
