My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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