im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
