I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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