alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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