WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
